I am exhausted today. And I don't think I can blame it on it being Friday. I'd like to blame my workout yesterday morning. My rear end hurts and my legs hurt, and my brain is foggy. For some reason, I feel like I should still be in bed at 8 o'clock in the morning.
I feel emotionally drained, as well. I am going through something right now and I don't know what it is. Gee, what a surprise. I am fighting off depression as hard as I can, and I think I have cabin fever. I'm slacking in my motherly duties. And yet I feel helpless to do anything about it.
I remember when I first became a mother......
I held my premature little baby girl in my arms and swore I was gonna be the best momma there ever was. And for a while, I was. When I had my second child, another little girl, something changed. I love my girls with all my heart and soul, yet I became so overwhelmed. I am used to life with 2 children now, but I don't seem to have it all together. I feel so distracted, and if I give attention to one child, the other gets jealous and I battle feelings of guilt. I feel like I'm not doing enough, or giving enough, and that one of my children is always getting jipped. And yet, isn't that how it goes when you have more than one child? I want more kids---I don't feel done yet. So I guess I need to be figuring out how to juggle. How do other moms do it? How do you give all of your children equal attention with patience?
I feel like I spend so much time doing dishes, sorting laundry, and cleaning, that I wonder how other moms play with their kids all day. I HAVE to have this place clean every afternoon---my husband won't stand for me being home and playing all day with no cleaning getting done. I feel like I have to be perfect, and believe me, I am NOT. I almost go the opposite direction.....I know lots of things need to be done, but I ignore them. I feel like "Why even try?" most days. Ok, Jewels, get the basics done. Another part of my problem is I don't like playing. As a child, I loved to play with my Barbies and ponies and other toys. I lived in a world of make believe--pretending I was a school teacher or a ballerina. But since I've grown up, I've lost the magic. My 5 yo wants me to sit down and play Polly Pockets or Barbies SOOO bad, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd rather clean. Even sitting down to play Play-Doh with her makes me cringe. And it's not because I don't want to spend time with her, because I do! I've lost something, and I want it back. I feel like I have changed so much because I am trying to become who my husband tells me I should be. If the girls get hurt and cry, he doesn't like that, and I'm not "supposed" to encourage that. If they are seriously hurt, yes they can cry. But if it's a minor boo-boo, he expects them to suck it up and be big girls. And in my heart, I feel like it's OK to cry, it's ok to be upset you got scratched, it's OK to come to mommy for some cuddles. But after several years of this "conditioning", I find myself getting upset whenever the girls cry too. And I am no longer the soft, cuddly, sensitive and patient mommy I started out as. And I'm mad about it.
My husband came from a home of utter chaos, no communication, unfairness, and kids screaming. So he expects our little kids to be quiet. And I am at my wits end! Kids will be kids. It would be easier if we had a house because they could go out in the yard and burn off some energy, or go in the basement and play and run around. But we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment that we have definitely outgrown, and noise echoes here. It is so hard to keep them quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to keep my kids quiet. I agree they shouldn't run around screaming. But play and sing and twirl and laugh and duke it out between yourselves! I also agree that my husband deserves his buffer time after work.....but that runs into dinner preperations, starving children, and the girls fighting over toys in their bedroom. We have been in this apartment for going on 3 years and I feel like I'm going to scream. And I see no end to it.