This is from a dear, wise, older friend from church (and it's not verbatim):

If you went to a store wanting to buy a 1000 piece puzzle, would you buy it if you couldn't see the picture? If you couldn't see what the finished product would look like, would you still buy the puzzle? Probably not. Isn't that what our lives are like? Don't we feel like pieces are missing and sometimes we cannot see how the pieces we do have will actually fit? Who is the One who has all the pieces? God. He gives us a few pieces to work with, and holds on to the remainder, giving them to us according to His timing and will. He knows the finished product; He knows how our individual stories will play out. It's up to us to work with the pieces we've got, and to trust that He will give us more pieces when the time is right and the piece fits.

I desperately wish I could explain this the way my much wiser friend did, but I think you get the jist.

I am an unfinished puzzle, and I am so grateful that the Creator of all the universe, holds my pieces in His hand. I know He has just the right place for them, and He knows so much better than I do when and where they'll come together.

Awakening

Author Unknown

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change... or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, whom you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends.You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away.You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect.You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone... and that it's OK to risk asking for help.You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

I. Am. So. Sore. I took my girlies walking this afternoon (to the Video Store, but I took the long way home!). We have a Sit & Stand double stroller (LOVE IT!), but it is harder to push than my single stroller. Going up hills about kills me. I was contemplating how nice my rear will be after a few more of these walks though. It's already shaping up from the workouts I do, but my springtime walks will be a nice extra fanny-shaper. I literally want to climb in bed right now though! Despite my workouts (which I have not done in a week), I am out of shape! If you ever want to know just how out of shape you are, put a couple of kids in a stroller and find every slope, hill, and slanted sidewalk on your route. As I was pushing the girls up the hill, I was thinking to myself, "Must. Remember. The. Rewards."
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I have grown a genius!
Hannah wrote "Mom" today! All by herself! Without me telling her! I lavished her with praise, much to her embarrassment, I'm sure. I told her to write "dad" and instead she wrote "tat". Ha!

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On our walk, we went past the Clarissa C. Cook Hospice House. It's a fairly new building, a beautiful place. We have not been on a walk since probably October, and I don't think the building was in use at that time. I had explained to H back then what the building was for and left it at that. We have always been honest with Hannah about death. I asked the funeral director what I should tell Hannah, back when my mom died, because she was only 2 1/2 and I had no clue how to explain to her that her Bestest Buddy had died and gone to Heaven. How do you really communicate that to a toddler? The funeral director (at Weerts Funeral Home, by-the-way. Wonderful place and people!) told me to never tell a child that someone who has died is "sleeping", because it will terrify the child and cause confusion for them. The child will become afraid to go to sleep themselves. They will fear that they will go to sleep and not wake up. They will wonder why their loved one cannot just wake up. So we were honest with H and she knows that her GaGa lives with Jesus now. I know she still doesn't understand it completely (Heck, I'm not sure I do either!), but I have no regrets about being honest.
So on our walk today, out-of-the-blue, Hannah said, "I wonder if anyone has died there yet." We hadn't even gotten up to the building--I wasn't sure she had noticed the building or recognized it--until she said that. I told her that some people had, cause I had seen it in the newspaper. She said, "I wish that building would've been there for GaGa to die at." Then she asked me why we couldn't go in the building and see the people, so I had to explain that to her. And she went on to say that she just wanted to go in so we could help them.
I said, "Oh, and how would we do that?"
H: "Well, we could put something over them and give them some food."

That is my sweet girl. My mom always said Hannah was going to be a doctor and find the cure for cancer. I believe the cure already exists. But Hannah would make a fine nurse. But she said this afternoon that she wants to be a "cashier girl". Where? At Walmart. No, better yet, she said, Sam's Club. And that she wants me to work there with her and she'll be a teenager. Oh, to be so young and full of innocence and light.

MY GOOFY GIRL

I look over at Hannah yesterday, and she has her head against a box and she is coloring her hair with markers! I did a double-take, trying to figure out what she was doing. She waltzes over to me and asks me to color the back of her head, and tells me proudly that she is going to look like me (I got my hair dyed a few weeks ago -- it's a brown-red). Hannah beamed from ear-to-ear, exclaiming, "I have red hair like you now, Momma!" Not to mention a red scalp and red forehead....

I made her shower before we ran errands, cause I was not about to explain this to people. It was so darn adorable that I couldn't be mad, but still, I demanded a shower to wash it out. I would've taken a picture, but our camera is currently in New Mexico, shooting pics that will make me jealous.

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Hannah at dinner the other night: "Jesus, bless our food and bless all the poor people, and give them some food and not dirty drinking water."

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My baby is growing up. Emmy was running around naked while I was trying to get ready to leave, and last I had noticed, she had been fully clothed. I asked Hannah what was going on, and she begged me to let her dress her little sister. She had undressed Emmy, including the heavily-peed-in overnight diaper, and picked out some clothes for her to wear. I knew Emmy wasn't going to go down without a fight, so I helped Hannah, minimally, but I still needed to be there to referee. Poor Hannah struggled with Emmy's little limbs, trying to shove them in the arm and leg holes of the clothing. I realized I must be a control freak because it was so hard for me to sit there and not jump in and take over. Oh Lord, how I wish I was patient!

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I think Hannah has seen too much. One day, I caught her in the kitchen, making a pretend meal and talking in a funny, fake-British accent. She informed me that she has a cooking show and her name is "Miss Paula Deen". I think she even told me to get out of the camera's way. Oh boy. Too bad Miss Paula Deen has a southern accent, and not a British one, but my then-4-yr-old was too precious, so I didn't say anything. I listened to her conducting her show, and it was all I could do to not laugh. She LOVES to pretend she is Paula Deen. One of these days, I am going to secretly video tape her and send it to "Miss" Paula Deen.

I am all alone. Ok, not completely alone. My adorable, red-cheeked toddler is asleep in her crib. But it's quiet. And nobody is demanding my attention right now. What to do? I am not used to this! Well, I could go clean out some closets, or file papers & receipts. I could clean (oh joy!). Hmmm...I can't decide. I already watched a movie with my older daughter this morning, so I should probably avoid the TV. I am battling a headache, and cleaning doesn't sound so appealing.

My mother-in-law (MIL) once shared with me a technique she uses for cleaning, and it is really simple, but it helps me a lot too. She sets the timer for 5 minutes, or even 10 sometimes, and spends that time in one room. When the timer goes off, she resets it and goes into another room. Sounds silly, but I find that I clean faster. I want to beat the clock. My MIL has ADD, so she has had to come up with different methods over the years to get things done. I do not have ADD (my prob is laziness, lack of energy, or activites outside the home that cut into cleaning time), but my MIL has shared with me tools that work. And I thank her for that. When I am feeling overwhelmed by all I need to do, I remember her "timer" suggestion, and things fall into place.

Another thing I do, is whenever I take something to put it away, I'll stop and clean up something in the room I walked into. If I find a book in the living room that goes in my bedroom, when I put the book away, I'll make my bed, or pick up socks off the floor, or take hair accessories back to the bathroom....and then I'll pick up something in the bathroom. Maybe everyone else already does this, but I'm not always so quick to think of great tricks or hints. I'll read Woman's Day magazine and look at the helpful hints and go, "Oh YEAH! Why didn't I think of that?!"

Yeah, maybe I should clean right now. Maybe I can get this place in tip-top shape and then---Ta Da!--I can keep up with things better! You know how it's hard to keep up with things when things are all over? Hmm...maybe if I get everything in it's perfect little place right now, I'll be able to stay on top of it all better. Sounds great, don't it?

I think I am itching for spring. I love to spring clean, and fall clean too. There is something so therapeutic about opening windows, taking comforters to the dry cleaners, and cleaning out closets. I just need to find some energy to do the dishes at night after the girls are in bed, and do as much at night as I can, so when my girls get up in the morning, I have time for them all day, and not have to clean. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

I am exhausted today. And I don't think I can blame it on it being Friday. I'd like to blame my workout yesterday morning. My rear end hurts and my legs hurt, and my brain is foggy. For some reason, I feel like I should still be in bed at 8 o'clock in the morning.
I feel emotionally drained, as well. I am going through something right now and I don't know what it is. Gee, what a surprise. I am fighting off depression as hard as I can, and I think I have cabin fever. I'm slacking in my motherly duties. And yet I feel helpless to do anything about it.
I remember when I first became a mother......
I held my premature little baby girl in my arms and swore I was gonna be the best momma there ever was. And for a while, I was. When I had my second child, another little girl, something changed. I love my girls with all my heart and soul, yet I became so overwhelmed. I am used to life with 2 children now, but I don't seem to have it all together. I feel so distracted, and if I give attention to one child, the other gets jealous and I battle feelings of guilt. I feel like I'm not doing enough, or giving enough, and that one of my children is always getting jipped. And yet, isn't that how it goes when you have more than one child? I want more kids---I don't feel done yet. So I guess I need to be figuring out how to juggle. How do other moms do it? How do you give all of your children equal attention with patience?
I feel like I spend so much time doing dishes, sorting laundry, and cleaning, that I wonder how other moms play with their kids all day. I HAVE to have this place clean every afternoon---my husband won't stand for me being home and playing all day with no cleaning getting done. I feel like I have to be perfect, and believe me, I am NOT. I almost go the opposite direction.....I know lots of things need to be done, but I ignore them. I feel like "Why even try?" most days. Ok, Jewels, get the basics done. Another part of my problem is I don't like playing. As a child, I loved to play with my Barbies and ponies and other toys. I lived in a world of make believe--pretending I was a school teacher or a ballerina. But since I've grown up, I've lost the magic. My 5 yo wants me to sit down and play Polly Pockets or Barbies SOOO bad, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd rather clean. Even sitting down to play Play-Doh with her makes me cringe. And it's not because I don't want to spend time with her, because I do! I've lost something, and I want it back. I feel like I have changed so much because I am trying to become who my husband tells me I should be. If the girls get hurt and cry, he doesn't like that, and I'm not "supposed" to encourage that. If they are seriously hurt, yes they can cry. But if it's a minor boo-boo, he expects them to suck it up and be big girls. And in my heart, I feel like it's OK to cry, it's ok to be upset you got scratched, it's OK to come to mommy for some cuddles. But after several years of this "conditioning", I find myself getting upset whenever the girls cry too. And I am no longer the soft, cuddly, sensitive and patient mommy I started out as. And I'm mad about it.
My husband came from a home of utter chaos, no communication, unfairness, and kids screaming. So he expects our little kids to be quiet. And I am at my wits end! Kids will be kids. It would be easier if we had a house because they could go out in the yard and burn off some energy, or go in the basement and play and run around. But we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment that we have definitely outgrown, and noise echoes here. It is so hard to keep them quiet. And to be honest, I don't want to keep my kids quiet. I agree they shouldn't run around screaming. But play and sing and twirl and laugh and duke it out between yourselves! I also agree that my husband deserves his buffer time after work.....but that runs into dinner preperations, starving children, and the girls fighting over toys in their bedroom. We have been in this apartment for going on 3 years and I feel like I'm going to scream. And I see no end to it.